How do I preserve my energy?
November #1+2. Stream of thoughts.
Happiness of the week:
everything roses. rose buds for tea, rose oil for scent, roses in my imagination and visualisations
visiting a friend’s grave for the first time on the 1st of the month. not strictly happiness, but his grave was beautifully groomed, ours was the 2nd candle already, the frenwife and I made the time to go and it felt like none of us (dead or alive) was alone and that’s how it should be. and I’m grateful to have had a friend like Henri.
my kid. We enjoy each other’s company, he tells me about all those things I know nothing about, he’s logical, emotional, and has such a beautiful personality. I will never understand how people want to rule over their kids, it’s so much more fun to respect and support young folks in their budding being. So much wonder.
getting the Christmas decorations out later today. We’re really feeling it this year.
Well. I usually hate how blog posts or newsletters list the details of why they decided to write something. So let me run yet another experiment and find out what it feels like to not do that. Because I did start that way. But it doesn’t really matter, you can simply believe me when I say that preserving, replenishing and pacing my energies are AN ISSUE. I’ve said it before, the imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy has my energy levels hanging by a thread more often than not. I have more work than capacities and there are structural reasons for that, some of which I wrote about in October. I also wrote “I’m tired of being tired” and when these letters flowed out of my typing fingers I knew that I’m ready for some serious change around that. I’m starting this month and will share the journey.
I have a million ideas and wishes and my officially-adhd-brain only remembers them at random intervals. Reading new books, finishing books I already have (4th Thursday is for resources), meditation, Pilates, Aikido, eating well, eating enough, pacing myself, prioritising sleep…but it kinda boils down to being able to gauge my energy levels and to use my attention wisely. Both of these are very very hard for me, big question marks, instructions unclear.
What we pay attention to will grow. Attention as currency, attention as a commodity that is extracted from us by algorithms designed to keep us scrolling, designed to make us buy. Attention as the means to get to our moneys. There’s probably a reason why many dystopian depictions of the future have advertising screens everywhere. I saw a car last week from Uber/Bolt…one of them, and it had a screen on one of the backseat windows with ads on it, facing outside. Made me think of The Expanse and some of the newer sci-fi that has flickered across my eye-brain connection in recent years. But how about we think of Solarpunk instead? Green cities, sponge cities, cities that aren’t built for status symbols but for humans to continue to live, adapted to the realities of a hotter climate.
In the Substack stock photo database there are only 3 images for “solarpunk” btw, so I’m guessing it’s still very niche. When I find sources I like, I’ll give you pictures too. In the meantime, here’s a sponge city in China, which in my understanding is also solarpunk:
Meisha River Corridor, Haikou City, 2016. Terraced wetlands are densely covered with various plants that remove nutrients from primary treated wastewater, which otherwise would require large amounts of energy to remove through conventional sewage treatment processes: Turenscape
I digress. How do I gauge my energy levels? And how the holy fuck do I use my attention SO wisely, that I use it on things that…do what exactly? Ah, GIVE me energy, instead of take. That’s the key. Or activities and thoughts that give more energy than I use to do the thing or think the thought.
For years the one activity where it was abundantly clear that it gives more than it takes is sex with other people (not solo). It doesn’t matter how long or how active it is, it will always, reliably, undeniably, give me more energy than I use. For days. And more is more. And the more I learn about my nervous system in particular, and nervous systems in general, I understand that it is the physical exertion and the human connection part of sex that is so nourishing to me. Physical exertion or exercise is the number 1 method to close our stress response cycles, according to the Nagoskis in "Burnout”, which then finishes the stress response in the body so we can go back to relaxed.* Which in turn is the nervous system state of “rest and digest”.
Aikido also does this for me, and it has the same components as sex: movement and connection. So those are keys. And there is another component that both Aikido and sex share: I don’t think about anything else while I do it. Is that a meditative state? Focus? How do I call it? I have so many questions, but the kind of question that I can’t put into words.
It’s been over a week since I started writing this. And I did the thing: I prioritised rest over writing. I went to Aikido training and did a Pilates session, I slept ok and made time for a lover. I started a new job on the 1st, with 20h a week, and there’s the usual kid stuff and care work going on, which adds up to 30h a week more or less. I have yet to adapt my times for writing to this new schedule. But this month’s questions are ones that I really need answered, so even when I don’t write, I’m working on it. My new boss and colleague luckily has the same questions and also needs more rest. I’m her first employee and we’re determined to create a prosperous business which let’s us prosper too. I enjoy sharing goals, working on the same thing, sharing ambitions.
Oh and since I’ve started writing this, there have been many political developments. Scary political developments. Following the news takes a lot of energy, and I feel a knot in my stomach when I face the hard truth that fascists are more emboldened and prouder than last month. I saw a man with a bedazzled broach with the name of the president elect of the US, here in Berlin. There’s a huge backlash against community- and diversity-oriented, queer-/feminist, normal values going on. This will take energy in the everyday life, so the question of how to preserve our energies will become more pressing even. This is an area where I find it especially important to place my attention wisely: On my goals, on how I want politics to be, on how I want Germany to be, on the policies that I believe will benefit my city and a majority of her people, on policies that will make life fairer. FOR, not against. And: coalitions. We need to start resisting being divided.
Let me try to conclude, to narrow this cloud of thoughts down to questions that are easy enough to answer, so they will provide solutions:
How is my energy level? Do I need a break? If not now, when?
What’s something that I can do today that will give me more energy? At least more than it takes. (Today is an easy answer: writing and hitting publish.)
How can I get movement and connection?
Have I scheduled Aikido and is it a realistic schedule or do I need to adjust it? (Priorities are very hard for adhd-brains.)
Where is my attention? Where do I want it to be? Do I need something to help me steer my attention? If yes, what is that something? (There is a connection here to perspectives and “mindset”. Might explore later.)
Let me know if these are any good. Let’s not burn out. Let’s not let them burn us out. We’ve got this.
See you next week!
Leonie
*Emily and Amelia Nagoski, burnout: the secret to unlocking the stress cycle, 2019
** Dr. M’Benga of Star Trek Strange New Worlds (the guy in the 2nd gif in the blue uniform, played by Babs Olusanmokun) is criminally underrepresented in gifs. “We got this” comes from him, it’s how he kept himself and Nurse Chapel (gif above) going when they served on J’Gal under horrific circumstances. “We got this” is their thing, they’ve gone to hell and back together, and I couldn’t find a gif of them both saying it within a 15 minute search, so this is an approximation of his vibe. Their war trauma is depicted in several episodes in SNW, and it’s a good representation of trauma/ptsd overall. Needless to say I love both of these characters and Dr. M’Benga is my favourite Star Trek doctor. See also this scene, I love seeing how strong their bond is yet the writers never forced romance onto them. 10/10